stood away from my blog for some time now...

reason?
easy!

i feel a very deep crisis...
after almost two years in england i feel again an emotion i thought i had left behind me.
i feel like a tree without roots.

bending in the wind of daily life.
i feel right now that i don't belong here... trouble is that i feel that i don't belong to germany anymore...

i miss the casualty of giving close friends a spontaneous call and meet up for a coffee. i have no friends in england that i know for 20 odd years...

we had a great night out in york on friday after work and i had a few quite nice chats with some colleagues. i should be happy... but today everything was "back to normal"...

i haven't called any of my friends or family in berlin for ages now... i even let my internet friends down...

i don't know where i am staying at the moment. i want to be here so i try to keep my contacts to germany a little bit short to not always being reminded of the language and everything. i still am shocked sometimes realising that i still am lacking loads of english vocabulary...

i am not german anymore and not yet english... i am nowhere! am i nobody?

i should be happy. receiving good feedback at work and getting the right respect for what i am doing. even making kind of friends with my colleagues...

but i am not happy...
i just see that there is no one to talk to. and even if there would be one... i have the impression i have only boring stories to tell... it's always about my past because here and now nothing's happening...

have the impression everything is meaningless... fuck! i feel completely down... lonely...

i see myself drifting into daydreams and loosing quite a lot of energy in all that. there is no productivity in me at the moment. and the grey yorkshire weather doesn't really help...

i feel like i lost my identity...
dead-end street...
where should i end up? what's the "big picture" for me?

i need to sort some things out... but i don't really know where to start...

will i again end up just sitting and waiting?...
don't like the idea...

something positive should happen quickly or i'll never get my arse up...

how bad is that???

would prefer to write about positive things but at the moment there are no such things...

shit!