it's the weekend again.
time to reflect about my situation and emotional nightmare...

so you understand a little better about my emotional career i should tell you about my exex-girlfriend who probably left the deepest stamp on my heart.
i'll give you a brief description here as i will most likely quote this relationship a few times in the future of this blog...

P i met when i was a month away from my 16th birthday. she was 15 and had a date with one of my mates (C). as he was even more shy than me he asked me to come along with him when he's going to meet her. C got to know P the night before in a club. it was april '84 and as i had nothing better to do anyway i followed his strange request...

when we met P i was very unimpressed at first sight as she was almost the opposite of what i would have described as my type.
however there was a strange attraction between P and me from the very first second and C was forgotten quite quickly. don't tell me stories about "don't desire your mates date" and so on. he simply wouldn't have had any chance roght from the start...

it was the right decision and P and i got through quite a lot of things. i mean we were kids at that time and grew up together from that april... all our thoughts about relationships probably were stamped as we were together for the next 17 years...

like kids we experimented about averything and probably still had the best sex together so far. which is no wonder as we were experiencing our first time with each other and were just growing together in our experiences thereafter.

somebody you share half your life with probably knows everything about you better than anybody else. at the height of our relatinship she made me the biggest present of my life when she gave birth to my son in 1999. it was the same year we both finished our studies at university and from now on everything should be fine and develop straight to build up a family and so on...

it was only 2 years later when she met her current partner through her university work. things went downwards from that point and our relationship broke up during the next 1.5 years. i am not blaming her alone. probably after all these years we got a little bit too much used to each other. however there were never any affairs before that. we got through the odd crisis in the past but never doubted that we belong to each other.
the harder it must have been for her than to realise that she is attracted by somebody else who is the incarnation of everything she was missing in me...

the next 1.5 years were a hart time where we both made lots of mistakes and she was a little bit helpless in all that. we even reached the point where we were only communicating through our solicitors (without being married that is!). i got a complaint for stalking from her. and i was forcing an injunction to get my car keys back and so on. really ugly things were happening at that time.

we haven't spoken for almost a year after that... the only thing we both knew from the beginning is that our son should not suffer under this situation and we never really had to argue about that. i always had contact with him and was participating in all major decisions. it didn't matter what happened between his parents. he had his right for a "normal" life! and honestly, my son is great! he made the best out of it, now having a mother but even two fathers. what more can you wish? P's current partner (still the same) is going on pretty well with my son. this also could have turned out far worse...

in the meantime P and i are talking to each other again and it still is some kind of responsibility there for each other. what else would you expect after half a life together? we are still feeling some attraction for each other and sometimes we are thinking what would be if we would come together again one day in the future...

not that i am relying on that but you never know what might happen (see my earlier posts on the movie "closer"). we both found our peace and have organised our lives in a way. and now we even found the friend again that we were each other over such a long time...

wouldn't it be silly in a way if you loose the person that knows you best only because you see that loving each other in that way the relationship went can't go on?...

i am happy when i talk to P on the phone. and yes, sometimes i am dreaming of having a relationship with P again and being the family we started with the birth of our son vincent...

it is P's birthday tomorrow...